Out of Touch or How I Learned That I Will Never Be Able To Relate To Anything

I am a reclusive person. Partially due to my circumstances and mostly because I do not feel like I belong in there when I am with other people. Some might say this is the impostor syndrome and I guess it could be. I don’t know how to call this feeling where I can’t help but feel like a third wheel even in a 3-wheeled bike situation.

Ever since I was a kid, I learned to be afraid of showing who I am to others fearing that my parents find out and punish me for being myself. Wearing mask after mask until my late college years and still even now has become a norm for me. From being a religious kid in a Muslim household surrounded by relatives too loved by a parent to a non-religious loner filled with trauma who can barely taking care of oneself, it is hard for me to find anything or anyone to relate to. I don’t get why. Maybe it is imposter syndrome after all.

Experience many traumatic situation, I have grown to be an empathetic person. It sounds contradictory with everything that I’ve said before but it is true. I cannot relate to others as myself but I can imagine others in their position and relate from that point of view. It’s just not me.

Can a person describe oneself if there is no one to perceive them? Outside of interpersonal interactions I feel like a grey blob of characteristics that transform and shape based on what I think others want to see. But if I look at the mirror I don’t see anything. A blank slate waiting to be metamorphosed by conditions.

I live within a bubble, looking at other people’s bubbles and hoping that one day I can share one with someone, even though I already made my peace with not being able to a long time ago.